Where I am Now
And more importantly where I am not. Personally I find it strange when they say things like that. I am 23 and will be well on my way to 25 when the baby is born. My mother was 19 when I was born so that is a big difference.
That Is Perspective
But so is the perspective on how I view life. And being the home to a new one. It has allowed me to put a lot of things into perspective that just weren't there before.
This is a big one. I would say the big one.
At first I was stressing, and I stressed a lot about all of the responsibility. Something that sort of feels logical when you are alone, but like this great big responsibility when somebody else depends on you.
And who depends on your more than a baby?
Dealing With It
It was having a parent go through serious health issues made me aware of how little time we have. I think I fear more about LO's mortality than mine. It was in fact partially my mortality that had driven me to become a parent. It wasn't til then that I considered my own mortality with more than a passing thought.
My mortality, and 1 second of not paying attention while I drive, can take me away from my children. If anything I have felt more trapped by my mortality since becoming a parent. I used to not think of my mortality in the same way when I was childless. I was always aware of my mortality and it made me depressed.
As a parent that is also a cancer survivor, nothing scared me more than leaving my kids without a mother.
I couldn't bear to be a xanex zombie and a parent so I have to talk myself out of attacks. I don't think about my mortality more, but I do appreciate my time spent with my daughter more than when I wasn't a dad. Now that I'm the parent, and my parents are grandparents, and my grandparents died when I was pretty young. But my daughter made me more aware of everyone else's mortality, like hers, and my parents', and every day I am one step below panic because of it. It's like a super power that I gained as soon as I turned into a parent.
Now I think back to all the stupid shit I did pre kids, and I couldn't even fathom doing it now.
I don't really know if I've become aware of my mortality anymore but my parents are mid 50s and I've realized that if were lucky, I maybe have 20 years with them left. Now I worry about life in every aspect I actually developed severe anxiety about mortality when I was on acid at the age of 19.
And Every Day There After
single. time, I think about how I would get two kids out of car seats, should the car go into the water. Becoming a parent actually made me more OK with my mortality.
It's certainly made me more aware of my health and how it's even more vital to get/remain healthy. I think I should work for OSHA or something now since I can spot all potential hazards the moment I walk in a room. I was always hyperaware of my own mortality because I grew up very sick. Having lost a parent when I was young, I know the pain my son would feel. Cancer made me viscerally aware of my own mortality.
I'm the one pumping the brakes, but I must say that among the many pros my own mortality is of the greatest incentive to do it. I've been contemplating my mortality on a daily basis since I was very young. Becoming a parent made me realize that my life and health are not just my own anymore. The best way I've found to describe it is truly feeling your mortality. It definitely changed the way I see my mortality. I'm an older parent but I will damn well see them through childhood. Once you become a parent pretty much every thought or decision is influenced by your child. For me Im also just hoping I die before them, before kids I was very morbid and scared to die. Maybe the lack of sleep as a parent and working causes your brain and anxiety to ramp up.
Always been aware since my first major injury but now I'm worried that I'll keel over before we get to know each other. As I watch my son grow and change, it makes me aware of my own aging and the fact that, someday, I will die. It's on my mind, I hardly ever drink outside of my house, but I do drive slower around neighborhoods, schools, parks. A friend of mine got into a DUI accident, he will probably won't see his kids in a few years. I exercise, I don't drink in excess, I don't smoke, I try not to eat in excess and I try to live healthy. I've never personally met someone afraid of the ocean but I hear about it quite a lot. I only have one child, if I lost her from a tragedy, I don't think I would ever be mentally capable of having more children. I have to take care of myself, so that I I can be there to take care of her. I can't really give an age for 'swim in their own' because there isn't a simple can swim/can't swim cut off.
Let's just say that before I was a parent I had no insurance, and no cell phone, because I felt no need for any of them. If I could take back roads the rest of my life I would.
I get very upset thinking that there is a possibility that I could end up not seeing my kids grow up.
Even more so because I'm a single father and I don't know what would happen to my kids without me. Now, when my toddler jumps on me at before dawn to wake me up, I wish I was dead.
Before I didn't think of it much, nor did I care that I would die, but I can't leave me child alone! I think it's not seeing them grow up, and also not being with them to grow up. I am more aware of the passage of time than I was before.
I am aware that me and my husband are the kids entire world.
Bless the ones that get through that terrible pain I am more aware too. I find being aware of how fleeting this all is helps me keep perspective on the small frustrations of parenting, and it keeps me honest. Every ache, pain or abnormality in my health calls my mortality into question Yes. I realize if I die, my kids are too little to understand that it isn't a choice. Both about fear of something happening, but fear of my own mortality. And before it was really unusual for me to get sick but now I feel like I'm always near a cold. If I let it get to me, it'll keep me up all night so I try and make every moment count.
I'm not concerned with myself, but only making sure that my children will be able to cope without me someday.
Obviously I want to see my kids graduate school, buy their first homes, succeed at life, etc. I'm a little stricter with my horses' behavior than I was before, which is good, but I think I might have to switch to dressage or trail riding now. I think this has become particularly clear to my husband, because his primary hobbies are motorcycles and snowmobiles.
I live in a flood zone, and I think about this a lot. You will scrub their hair in the bath one night And from that day on they will want to bathe alone.