Flowers in this Attic

By: drussellross | July 06, 2017

Young A Heart And Body

This turned into another essay, sorry.

I am not old.


And I think that they is lost on some. They say that I am an old spirit. Whatever that means, they can't tell me either. But when I tell them that I am pregnant they think that I am then again, too, young.


It is a confusing time for me.

Where I am Now


And more importantly where I am not. Personally I find it strange when they say things like that. I am 23 and will be well on my way to 25 when the baby is born. My mother was 19 when I was born so that is a big difference.


That Is Perspective


But so is the perspective on how I view life. And being the home to a new one. It has allowed me to put a lot of things into perspective that just weren't there before.


Mortality...


This is a big one. I would say the big one.


At first I was stressing, and I stressed a lot about all of the responsibility. Something that sort of feels logical when you are alone, but like this great big responsibility when somebody else depends on you.


And who depends on your more than a baby?


Dealing With It


It was having a parent go through serious health issues made me aware of how little time we have. I think I fear more about LO's mortality than mine. It was in fact partially my mortality that had driven me to become a parent. It wasn't til then that I considered my own mortality with more than a passing thought.


My Mortality


My mortality, and 1 second of not paying attention while I drive, can take me away from my children. If anything I have felt more trapped by my mortality since becoming a parent. I used to not think of my mortality in the same way when I was childless. I was always aware of my mortality and it made me depressed.

As a parent that is also a cancer survivor, nothing scared me more than leaving my kids without a mother.


I couldn't bear to be a xanex zombie and a parent so I have to talk myself out of attacks. I don't think about my mortality more, but I do appreciate my time spent with my daughter more than when I wasn't a dad. Now that I'm the parent, and my parents are grandparents, and my grandparents died when I was pretty young. But my daughter made me more aware of everyone else's mortality, like hers, and my parents', and every day I am one step below panic because of it. It's like a super power that I gained as soon as I turned into a parent.

Now I think back to all the stupid shit I did pre kids, and I couldn't even fathom doing it now.

I don't really know if I've become aware of my mortality anymore but my parents are mid 50s and I've realized that if were lucky, I maybe have 20 years with them left. Now I worry about life in every aspect I actually developed severe anxiety about mortality when I was on acid at the age of 19.

And Every Day There After


single. time, I think about how I would get two kids out of car seats, should the car go into the water. Becoming a parent actually made me more OK with my mortality.

It's certainly made me more aware of my health and how it's even more vital to get/remain healthy. I think I should work for OSHA or something now since I can spot all potential hazards the moment I walk in a room. I was always hyperaware of my own mortality because I grew up very sick. Having lost a parent when I was young, I know the pain my son would feel. Cancer made me viscerally aware of my own mortality.

I'm the one pumping the brakes, but I must say that among the many pros my own mortality is of the greatest incentive to do it. I've been contemplating my mortality on a daily basis since I was very young. Becoming a parent made me realize that my life and health are not just my own anymore. The best way I've found to describe it is truly feeling your mortality. It definitely changed the way I see my mortality. I'm an older parent but I will damn well see them through childhood. Once you become a parent pretty much every thought or decision is influenced by your child. For me Im also just hoping I die before them, before kids I was very morbid and scared to die. Maybe the lack of sleep as a parent and working causes your brain and anxiety to ramp up.

Always been aware since my first major injury but now I'm worried that I'll keel over before we get to know each other. As I watch my son grow and change, it makes me aware of my own aging and the fact that, someday, I will die. It's on my mind, I hardly ever drink outside of my house, but I do drive slower around neighborhoods, schools, parks. A friend of mine got into a DUI accident, he will probably won't see his kids in a few years. I exercise, I don't drink in excess, I don't smoke, I try not to eat in excess and I try to live healthy. I've never personally met someone afraid of the ocean but I hear about it quite a lot. I only have one child, if I lost her from a tragedy, I don't think I would ever be mentally capable of having more children. I have to take care of myself, so that I I can be there to take care of her. I can't really give an age for 'swim in their own' because there isn't a simple can swim/can't swim cut off.

Let's just say that before I was a parent I had no insurance, and no cell phone, because I felt no need for any of them. If I could take back roads the rest of my life I would.

I get very upset thinking that there is a possibility that I could end up not seeing my kids grow up.

Even more so because I'm a single father and I don't know what would happen to my kids without me. Now, when my toddler jumps on me at before dawn to wake me up, I wish I was dead.


Before I didn't think of it much, nor did I care that I would die, but I can't leave me child alone! I think it's not seeing them grow up, and also not being with them to grow up. I am more aware of the passage of time than I was before.


I am aware that me and my husband are the kids entire world.

Bless the ones that get through that terrible pain I am more aware too. I find being aware of how fleeting this all is helps me keep perspective on the small frustrations of parenting, and it keeps me honest. Every ache, pain or abnormality in my health calls my mortality into question Yes. I realize if I die, my kids are too little to understand that it isn't a choice. Both about fear of something happening, but fear of my own mortality. And before it was really unusual for me to get sick but now I feel like I'm always near a cold. If I let it get to me, it'll keep me up all night so I try and make every moment count.

I'm not concerned with myself, but only making sure that my children will be able to cope without me someday.

Obviously I want to see my kids graduate school, buy their first homes, succeed at life, etc. I'm a little stricter with my horses' behavior than I was before, which is good, but I think I might have to switch to dressage or trail riding now. I think this has become particularly clear to my husband, because his primary hobbies are motorcycles and snowmobiles.

I live in a flood zone, and I think about this a lot. You will scrub their hair in the bath one night And from that day on they will want to bathe alone.

Adding a new baby to the family is an exciting event and one that should be proudly shared with friends and family just as soon as the new bundle of joy arrives. Arrange all pictures on a board. Give each picture a number. The parents are ultimately the ones who are going to use that gift for the newborn. The guest with the most correct matches wins.

With so much to do when the new baby does arrive, consider these helpful tips which will allow you to get your baby announcements in the mail as soon as possible while tending to your new arrival. Consider these decision making steps before the big birthday. Remember, when needing to give a baby gift it is not about the dollar value, but the thoughtfulness and creativity you display that will be remembered. The losers can sing a baby song chosen by the winners.

Many of us find ourselves wanting to buy something more thoughtful, and baby gifts are one of the hardest things to shop for, especially when working on a budget. Most of us when think of giving baby gifts can only think of stuffed toys. We can decide that. However, it is worth putting some time and effort into baby shower invitations, because it sets the mode and tone for that special Baby Shower Party.

If classic baby gifts are more your style, you can begin by thinking with a nostalgic feel. This adds to the excitement and everyone will be delighted to hear if it is a new bouncing baby boy or a precious new baby girl. All of these gifts are classic and will be greatly appreciated; however, if you are looking for something a little different you may need to be more creative. Designs are available in just about every color of the rainbow including soft butter yellows and Caledon greens to papaya, coral or kiwi.

Photo or Not. Below, there are few favorite baby shower themes. Personalized gifts come in handy here with all sorts of items available for personalization ranging from diaper bags, burp clothes, blankets and crib sheets.

Photo birth announcements are extra special. Write an alphabet letter on each guest's invitation. The unique Baby Gift Sets and Baby Shower Accessories is a great way to welcome your new baby. Decorate the room with letters. A Personalized Baby Gift is a memorable welcome gesture, which will be treasured by mom, dad, and baby alike.

Details. Here are few suggestions.

Baby's First Library: The Runaway Bunny, Big Red Barn, and Goodnight Moon. Many parents wait until the child is born to make this all-important selection. I think we have planned for the same. Often the parent's names are included. Next is the date of birth and the time of arrival if you think that is fun to share. The weight and height can also be included on the printed announcements too. Of course, you can determine what is included and what is best left off when it comes to the details.

LullaBag Gift Cradle - Natural Cotton - used up to 12 months, Wooden Two-Step Stool- this comes in 2 colors, Small Photo Album, -used from birth to over 36 months, Classic Red Tricycle used from 24 months and up.

Baby announcements are as unique as the newborn itself. With so many precious designs from which to choose, your personal message can be an added treat. Or, you may want to include a treasured family verse or create a clever phrase that suits the new little ones arrival.

All the things a new parent needs to get them started. This gift is a great centerpiece at a baby shower and as the gift. It is sure to "wow" everybody.

Baby shower decoration- decorates the room with pictures of famous movie stars and films. Round up all the contact information now as you will certainly be busy once the new baby arrives. Remember all friends and family, especially those who attended baby showers. Your holiday cards and baby shower invitations lists is a good place to start. Stack the books and tie ribbon around the books with a big bow on top. And remember to order a few extra for your memory book and as treasured keepsakes.

Stable baby shower decoration-decorate the room as a stable with a manger big enough for Mom.

You may want to appoint someone to finish the order on your behalf. We have selected the supplier, design and quantity, a helpful friend or family member can add the details and photographs and place the actual order so you have one less thing to worry about as you care for your new baby. And as baby gifts are sure to begin arriving even before your little one is born, consider ordering baby thank you cards that complement your baby announcements design.

Our Little Nest

A bundle of joy!


Most women feel that nine months of pregnancy drags on and on but as soon as your baby is born time seems to fly by and if you aren't careful or paying attention you might miss something special like the first steps, first tooth, first word, etc. When the recipient opens their gift from you will they say “How perfect. The real challenge for guests is on how they can come up with the best present that would sure to delight the honoree. Others say it worth every pound gained to have a baby.


It feels like the woman is constantly on a roller coaster with the stomach turning. Some people actually can not eat due to not being able to keep anything down. Therefore the woman may actually lose weight the first month or two during pregnancy. There are the few blessed women who never get sick to the stomach and they just keep right on enjoying the newness of pregnancy. There is a mountain of packages just waiting for you to open.  You have just learned the secret to great gift buying. Don’t buy something you love, buy something the person getting the gift will love.

Simple Solution


At this point the woman is eating everything in sight and her stomach is starting to stick out. She may not be in maternity clothes yet but she must buy clothes in a bigger size. The best way to start is to think about what that person does. What they enjoy doing. There may even be more than one baby discovered in the uterus. Consider our example of a little girl. What do little girls do. They watch cartoons. They love to watch cartoons and play with their dolls.


Now you have some ideas for great gifts. The key is to examine what the gift recipient enjoys, what keeps their interest and ignore what you yourself want. In fact, you may find that as you get better at giving gifts people actually want, you start receiving more gifts that you actually want. Funny the way things work sometimes.

The Happy New Dad basket can even include the proud daddy even more. After brainstorming some great ideas, do you have to go brave the crowds a the mall. Of course not. The other secret to great gift giving is knowing where to shop. Sleeping at night has already changed because finding a good position is difficult. The eating has slowed down because the baby is leaving little room for all the rest of the mom's organs.

If you are in charge of the games, get the Baby Congratulations basket and have it out for guests to see as they arrive & mingle, then hide it. I have cause to be hopeful, and this thread gives me cause to go after it. Whoever is the closest to listing them all wins. " I mean, not easy, but parenthood is depicted as a living hell, taking away your life and crushing your dreams. Means I don't need to say no to TV every day though, now they just ask when the weather is crap.

Come with elegant damask print, this whitewashed wicker basket includes a soft stroller blanket, a set of baby burp cloth, a bib, a hooded towel, two sets of wash cloths, and a plush teddy bear. For a really easy recipe for some yummy cookies, use 1 cup of peanut butter, one cup of sugar and one egg. Mix them up, drop by the spoonfuls on to a cookie sheet and bake for 8-10 minutes @ 325 degrees. That's all there is to it. Double or even triple the recipe depending on how many guests you are expecting.

Now I get bummed when my kids would rather sit inside and play on the computer than go to the park. Sorry, I need to clarify I guess. I think every kid had at least one or two of these, where it feels like it's going to split your ass in two. I would get so excited about pee/poop IN THE POTTY. It's like a party every time does it.

Then I had a very "now what" moment standing by a screaming kid hands full of puke. And just like gift baskets for baby girls, theirs too are available in different designs, styles and themes. You can usually find gift items for boys in a sporty themes, or themes like cars; motorbikes; boats and ships.


It's Got To Be Nautical For A Boy


I think that there are a lot of great options out there, but we are in the process of planning the room, and it can go either way at this stage. But there are plenty of options for a girl. For me, if it is a boy, then it has to be nautical. I really don't see any other options. Not because the sea is a part of our lives, but just because it fits, some how it really does.


I love the idea of the blues, the ships, and the fun of the whole thing. And I think it makes it easier for the guests as well.


Who isn't looking forward to a great shower (my mother excluded) for a bouncing baby boy. So the other day I was eating a hot pretzel with mustard.


Wonder and unique, this basket are offering carefully selected items, and has a color theme of baby blue. I could practically be a doctor or an RN or something at this point. I used to have to talk and interact with my family when we were out. I have a "dream job" opportunity this week.

A wide selection of baby gift baskets can be found by searching.

 office with my toddler I resorted to sesame streets videos on my phone. My husband asked me one day if we had always had a fire extinguisher hanging in the kitchen. poor kid, she was in the bathroom, tears streaming down her face, crying, thinking this thing was never going to come out.

I automatically reach out to take whatever it is from him and realize that he's just handed me a giant porkchop from his tiny nose. Nowadays, I will almost stay home then chance the crazy drivers in bad weather.


I Hope It Doesn't Run In The Family


My mother expresses so much jealousy whenever I get ours out. To keep with the pool analogy: sink or swim, you're going to learn something either way.

That doesn't mean that you have to let go without some sort of life preserver or plan. Who saw water out the window the most, see how many stares you can find on other cars license plates. I've wanted to hurt people I genuinely love and respect. He didn't believe me so I call over my son.


My nose sucker isn't a Nosefrida but is like it, and that thing and his car seat are like his worst enemies.

Preparing For The Unknown

They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate, the next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone. One day you will carry them on your hip, then set them down, And never pick them up that way again. I was absolutely terrified to start driving my family around when I knew that objectively the risks for an inexperienced driver are high.


But that is over the horizon.


I didn't really think about it until I read this but yes. Not sure where you live, but drowning is one of the most common cause of death in children in Australia. Not crazy, it's just really difficult to accept that there are situations where you won't be able to keep everyone safe. In some small way I hope I am helping him inherit the beautiful world I know and love. Even if I could get them out, there's no way I could keep two kids and myself with our heads above the water. But I understand what you're saying about there not really being a can/can't swim cutoff, it's more of a spectrum of ability.

I used to honestly think death was no big deal and occasionally think it almost sounded like a relief. My mortality, but also my parent's. Every time I get on my motorcycle I remind myself just how important it is that I make it back home. When I found out my wife was pregnant a few years ago, I suddenly felt like it mattered that I lived. Every exceptional moment in my life has a bitter sweet edge to it because he isn't there for it.


What Is At Hand


Increased heart rate, shortness of breath - It got so bad that I thought for sure I was having a heart attack. I'm so aware of all physical dangers of the outside world now too.

Its pretty much made me more scared of everything I just want to express how much your post means to me. I worry about how my son is going to get taken care of if something happens to me all the time. And, here's the key, the kid won't care what I did in the world, just what I did with them. : Wow that crocodile game sounds like a good idea for teaching swimming. I realize that each moment that happens could be a last moment of that type and I get kind of sullen thinking about that. I also feel like I couldn't live if something happened to my child, if one died I'd have to kill myself. Growing up in a family of surfers I honestly don't remember when I learned to swim, so it must have been very young. Now, it keeps me awake some nights, and I find myself worried that I won't live to see them into adulthood. I've looked up "how to get out of a car in flash floods kids" They are in impressive "overkill" car seats for their ages.

I have trouble understanding things like a fear of the ocean, and I think learning to swim is as basic and important as learning to read. My daughter is super attached to me and it pains me beyond words to think of her without me. If I want them there til the end, I have to be present now, and not fuck them around. Something like two weeks ago I came to terms with the fact that I am now afraid of dying. I make jokes about it all with her, and let her know I just love the cuddles when she's sick etc. I just had this gut feeling the whole time that she'd die, something would happen and I wouldn't get my baby. With my second pregnancy, I suddenly got really ill and had to be induced early to protect my & my baby's lives. /s OK so not quite that drastic, but it definitely makes me want to take better care of myself. And have never been so acutely aware of how short life is. I regularly go to the doctor despite even to this day having a pretty severe phobia, born from watching my dad die. I fear they would hunt him down and just give her to him despite him being absent for over 6 years now. Sometimes I feel a little jealous that my kids will get to know and love my father in law and not my dad. My kids are 9 now and I'm hitting the gym. Then my dad died way too young and it made me realize how much my kids are going to hurt when I die. When my kids were 4 and 2 I was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. They will fall asleep on you after a long day And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child. And now I'm pregnant with #3, which means there aren't even enough arms to save them all. I still slip sometimes, but I am much better than I used to be. I live in Vancouver and a lot of people are terrible drivers so I never assume anyone will stop for a yellow.

And if people out there could stop driving drunk and stop texting while driving, that would be great!!! She's only one and a half though so it doesn't bother me, just makes it hard to wash her hair during bathtime! At age by the age of 10 they could both swim much further than me - at least a mile at fast pace.

I dare not think too much about if something should happen to my son,, it's just unbearable. I think of them, and I try it. A less dramatic example might be, I raise my children perfectly and they grow up to have lots of career success. To the point where we are being proactive and getting everything together so that we have a guardian lined up. My parents are hoarders and drag their feet about that problem and some minor health issues that are easy to remedy. I do however take less risks and have really cut back on mountain biking in abandoned mines Yes. I have a son who needs a father who'll be there and be able to keep up with him. It didn't mean much to me then but now, as a mother, I feel such empathy for her. Not just mortality specifically. I'm three weeks into fatherhood and I'm already taking a much harder stance with them so they will live longer and happier. Man,, I just can't stand watching movies any longer where children die, it really gets to me.

It also kind of makes me want to connect with older relatives more, so that I can pass on any accumulated family wisdom to my kids. It doesn't stop me from doing things, but I will be more cautious than before kids. I've been through so many times when dying seems like it would be a relief. After that divorce and meeting and falling in love with my current husband I realized what real love was.

I just didn't think it was a good idea to ignore it the way most people do. I have severe anxiety already, but yeah parenting has made me realise how scary life is and how fragile we all are. She has a little etsy store that could provide for her and the kids if push came to shove.

When you already have two children, it's hard to be cavalier about how another potentially dangerous pregnancy might affect them.


So how can I expect him to be okay with regularly going to doctor and dentist appointments when I myself, am not? It doesn't help that one of her current favorite books is" Love you Forever" which hits me hard in the feelings. Maybe some sort of biological drive that has been fulfilled, now that I've passed on my genes to the next generation? fragility of life and such, car seat safety, feeling their armpits for lymph nodes swollen just because of a terrible movie I watched. I've been in remission for 5. 5 years though, so God willing, they won't have to worry about that for a good long time. There will come a time when you will feed your baby for the very last time. I have split custody and make sure I make the most of the time we are together.

I am surrounded by water here in Tampa, so I drive over bridges frequently. I realized I was suddenly much more risk averse, because more lives were depending on me. There was an accident the other day on the highway here and the car was hanging over the railing above the Susquehannah River.

Obviously, we can't do everything at every time but I'm definitely more aware of how limited each opportunity is and that I shouldn't coast on doing, and not doing, things like I had before. Yes, terribly so, it in fact got me into a downward spiral of depression so I had to find help through medication.

She would suffer a lot if I was gone, even before she understood I was gone. I also worry that my husband will die and I'll forget to pay some menial bill and get sent to collections and and and. I am suddenly more aware of aches and pains.

I started having panic attacks about aneurysms, strokes and heart attacks because sudden death was now forever ingrained into my every thought. Thank you It also opens up so many additional fun activities like canoing, surfing etc. I worry that my husband doesn't put the butt cream on right and if I die my daughter will be doomed to have diaper rash. I agree during that movie I said great now I'm Effing anxious again. They will one day run to you with arms raised, for the very last time. The passage of time and the passing of generations feel so much more real now. They will hold your hand to cross the road, Then never reach for it again. My life, though short, has been happy. I still have the intrusive thoughts, but I can look at them objectively now, and dismiss them, instead of triggering all out panic about it. She loved it as a baby but it scares her now, maybe she's afraid she'll sink.

Or maybe they just become friends and his influence on my child offsets the work I've done. I used to feel like if I died, it would've been too soon. but yeah come to think of it it does really freak me out to think something happening to me and missing out on thier life. I also travel for work and that has taken me to telescopes on mountains, during severe weather. I can say that since becoming a father I'm actually less saddened by my own mortality; I feel like I've led a more fulfilling life and would not be as pissed off if I knew I was going to die today.

I worry constantly about them growing up without me being here to help guide them. I have so much to teach them and tell them about and watch them learn. No, but I'd rather be prepared instead of having her lose her parents and have no certainty as to what would happen. Never did this before, I guess I figured he could keep the dog alive. My kids getting hurt is my absolute worst nightmare. I find that I am also a more careful driver and make safer choices overall. It's amazing how much better you can sleep knowing that if something does happen to you, your kid will be set for life.

But that moment made me realize that I need to be around for my wife and kid. Long story short, he didn't take care of his treatable medical condition and slowly died over the course of my childhood because of it. .

Category: Baby Stuff 

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